Today I woke up at 6:30am, dropped my son off at daycare and took a leisurely 20 minute stroll home. I stopped in at the local coffee shop for a large black coffee as I am somehow OUT of coffee at home (how does that even happen?). I got home, drank my coffee and listened to a podcast. I worked out, had breakfast, took my time getting ready and then… well, then I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I knit for a bit, put dinner in the crockpot, threw laundry in the wash and then knit some more. I just kind of winged my morning. I had only 1 thing on my to-do list that I actually had to do (call with an existing client) and only 2 things that I’d like to do.
This has been a bit of a theme over the last week and I’m trying to learn (not without difficulty) to enjoy it.
10 days ago I made a super scary decision. After 6 years of being an entrepreneur I decided to put my business on hold. Like, wrap up existing clients and then just ride with the wind for an undetermined amount of time kind of hold.
I’m kinda sorta freaking out over it but I know it’s where I’m meant to be. I know it’s the right thing to do and what’s going to come out of it is going to help my business big time but right now I mostly feel like throwing up.
I had no idea when I started on my path to entrepreneurialism that it would open up so much shit going on in my brain. One of my mentors early on said that owning your own business is the best personal development you’ll ever get. I say that aside from being a parent, she was totes right. I’ve learned more about myself over the last 6 years than I have in the last 38 years. Ultimately, I’ve realized that I’m never going to be of the kind of service I know I can be to the world until I am being of service to myself and those closest to me. I mean, this is exactly what I’ve been telling my clients for years and thought I was doing it myself – learning to put on the oxygen mask first – but it turns out I have quite a bit more work to do in that department.
I’m not one to do anything small, I tend to jump in with both feet, barefoot and without a map. This time, however, I know I’m being guided by The Universe and I’m being told it’s time to step back and surrender to It’s voice.
So here I am, 10 days later, feeling like a fish out of water. For 6 years I spent each and every day thinking about what needed to be done with my business or when I was going to be able to work or how to bring in money next. I’d spend the time I should have been spending with my son feeling guilty about not working and the time working feeling guilty about not spending time with my son. I was constantly comparing myself with other amazing female entrepreneurs and trying to figure out their “secret” to success and all the while thinking in the back of my head that I didn’t have what it took to be just like them. Not surprisingly, my business wound up being just as out of sorts as my mindset. Now, without my brain having something to obsess over, it just doesn’t know what to occupy itself with. To say it’s been an adjustment period is an understatement.
But I’m here and I’m listening. The Universe told me to stop and so I’ve stopped. It’s time to just BE for a little while. To get to know myself again, to get to know my son and spend time with my husband. It’s time to create because I want to and not because I have to. It’s time to deepen my spirituality and just fill my cup until it’s overflowing. I’ll be doing a lot of knitting and reading fiction novels.
I know I can do anything I put my mind to but I’ve finally accepted that I just can’t do everything. I surrender.
I’ll be blogging about my journey so I hope you’ll join me. I know burnout is becoming an epidemic with women lately and although I’m taking a step back, I’m always about sharing my journey because I know I’m not alone in this and that someone out there is also struggling. I hope that if that person is you, you’ll find familiarity and hope in what I share with you and perhaps you’ll join me for the ride.
Let the journey begin.